If I was legally allowed to shoot pigeons…

...my Saturdays would go something like this; wake up and have a nice breakfast with an entire pot of coffee, then go to my room and get dressed. I would get my BB pistols and pellet rifles from under my bed and catch a El train into the loop. I would then load my weapons (with hollow points for maximum stopping power) and casually walk along the sidewalks killing each pigeon I see with a surgically accurate shot through the brain or spine. The ones that take flight will be winged and left for the tires of taxi cabs for the purposes of conserving ammunition. Whoever said “You can’t kill them all” was a fool – by the time Monday rolls around people will wonder where they went. Actually, unless the city makes an effort to clean up the corpses, everyone would surely notice the filthy expired birds laying motionless on the sidewalk because anyone who thinks I’m picking one of them up to throw it in the trash has another thing coming.