If I fell into the Chicago River and lived…

…I wouldn’t waste a second calling the suicide hotline. There isn’t enough soap in the world to make myself feel clean again. I would burn my clothes, bleach my skin then rub myself down in hand sanitizer over and over and over again – I have no idea what would come next but it wouldn’t be good.
It might go something like this; find some sort of latex jumpsuit, or “body condom” if you will, do my very best not to touch anything. I would also try and find a support group, I figure there’s a support group for just about anything, and pick up some sort of religion that focuses on self enlightenment regardless of how tainted I will be physically and mentally. Long story short, if I were ever to fall in, please let me drown.