If we lived in Oppositeland…

...airplanes would fly underwater. Tigers would root through city alleys like rats looking for scraps. Pigeons would be on the endangered species list and on display at only the most prestigious zoos. Only the five richest families of European royalty would be able to afford Hyundais and Geos while Taco Bell would be a five star restaurant in Paris dating back to the eighteenth century.
The North pole would be in Hawaii and the South pole would be in the Sahara. The world would be split in two; North versus South as the two world economic and military powers, Poland and Canada, would be on icy terms. Men would desire grotesque women that resemble jellyfish with eyeballs while women would desire men who don’t treat them like shit.
Christmas would be a day when we gather around a rotting cactus to flog each other mercilessly in celebration of the birth of Adolph Hitler; Easter would make perfect sense. The world cup would be what we currently call the NFL and the Olympic games would consist of math, TV trivia and Dungeons and Dragons. A bottle of Mountain Dew would be opened at moments of joy and triumph and young children would be sent off to school with lunchboxes full of beer and knives.
John Lennon would be 71 years old still living in his mother’s basement eating hot-pockets while Keith Richards is elected pope and Hanson is inducted into the hall of fame. Moviestars would wear Crocs while riding the bus or carpooling to Branson, Missouri to see Justin Bieber defend his title for UFC heavyweight champion of the world.
People would wear their underwear over their pants like superheroes and wait for others to get off the elevator or train before getting on. Cars would run on stem cells, babies would have the right to abort the fathers who carry them and God wouldn’t care since he would have more important things to deal with like paying his rent on time.